Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Dear little shit: Don't judge me... or anyone.

Judgment is like elastic, it snaps back at you.

Dear Little Shit;

Try not to judge people, it's really not worth it. Take stock--your mother grew up judgemental, your father didn't. Check out who is smiling more in their childhood pictures.

Let me start over at a different angle. Love really is all that matters. Love, relationships, friendships... those are the things that will matter on your birthday, on your wedding day, when you're sick, when you're alone. Laughter lubricates love. Enjoy little moments, and if you can laugh at yourself, you'll find it easier to judge others less. Let me explain...

Your daddy grew up in a different place than your mommy. Your mommy grew up using food stamps and welfare. Your mommy grew up an "ethnic minority" as they say. Your mommy was also surrounded by other types of minorities. She became very self-conscious of her upbringing. But she made good grades and was praised for them; good grades mattered because good grades led to good jobs which led to financial security grandma couldn't provide for your mom and uncles. Financial security became an important goal. So your mommy learned happiness came from getting praised, and she got praise for doing things that other people weren't that good at. She liked the praise so she did more to stand out. She started to judge others to protect herself when she didn't feel good about life. But as she got older, she found out she wasn't that happy deep down.

Your daddy grew up with parents who were able to provide a more comfortable life for him. He grew up helping his friends and family do things on the ranch and in school. He grew up laughing a lot, even at himself. Grades were important but his family and friends helped him see how much more important the people he loved were. Daddy isn't a very judgmental person. Very few people are like daddy which is why he's so great.

Mom sometimes feels like she missed out on life because she was always criticizing herself to do better and this led to her criticizing others.She forgot to laugh at herself along the way (she still laughed at herself a lot, just ask Aunt Becky and Aunt Adrienne and all the dumb things mommy did in college). But she put a lot of pressure on herself and criticized herself. So then she criticized others because it made her feel better but only for a second. (It's like that adage... if you don't love yourself, you can't love others... or something.)

Grades are still important (very important) but at the end of the day, your report card, your work praise, your percentile improvements won't love you back. Grades don't give your life meaning, relationships do.

So be sure to treat your friends well. If you think you are better than them... then help them. If you think someone else isn't as good as you... remember, they might be better than you at something else. If you think someone else's ideas or values are wrong, tell them why you think so and ask them about theirs. Not everybody had the same chances you did in life so don't judge them for things they can't control. The joys of life will pass by while you criticize.

Be loving. Be open. Be trusting.

Mama Shit and Papa Shit.

Viv's going away; 2008 Bolinas, CA--the night Strom couldn't stop snoring, 
Adrian wanted to cuddle with the mattress, Rogers and Sunny became official, 
and Viv and I watched the seals while the sun rose.

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